Let me start with a story.

A two year old was visiting his seventy year old grandparents. The quiet house was suddenly abuzz with activity and sounds, that would get the severest of expressions to soften into the gentle creases of a smile.

 Babies just seem to have that impact. Their unaffected and spontaneous call from the heart reaches out, oblivious to any barriers; and bring up the softer emotions in all.

And then he left, soon after the short holiday!

The house went back to being silent – a very noisy silence for those living there. The noise of the missing pangs that they felt. All his scattered belongings had been neatly put away in suitcases. It was a wonder that a person so little could occupy so much space – literally and figuratively.

The squeaky clean house had a tell tale  mark of the little person, that he had left behind. The imprint of his tiny hands on a large mirror. Otherwise a stickler for wiping all surfaces spotless, the house-help took special pains to preserve this.

 He brought it to the notice of everyone living in the house and it became a joint venture to ‘protect’ it from any accidental swipe.

Infants bring out the softer emotions in people around them

Why is it that with infants, even the grumpiest of individuals usually ease up, even if it’s just a little bit, allowing their softer emotions to get expressed? Is it because they sense no threat from a child? Or, because the child in them connects unconsciously at some level with the spontaneity of the little one?

Or, is it because of their need, deep inside, to build connections with those around without any agenda…..?

In a world where we are being taught to be fiercely motivated, wary, careful, competitive, even suspicious, sometimes ruthless and hard, how do we nurture our softer emotions?

And why do we need to nurture these?

A friend of mine, Amrita summed this up for me.

 “It is something I learnt from personal experience. Being betrayed by my partner and not getting what I believed was my due in office, made me cynical, unfeeling and hard.

I stopped caring, put on this stone like demeanour where I showed that nothing fazed me; and if anyone shared his or her pain, physical or mental, I responded coldly. People avoided me. I understood that and there came a point where I stopped liking myself.  I was unhappy all the time, bitter inside.

It is then that I realised I needed to reawaken what seemed to have got buried; not to please anyone else, but for my own happiness and peace of mind. The betrayal was not the only truth in my life. I had met good people too and could not hold on to just the negative experience.

Being kind, compassionate, doing small acts of caring, sharing what I had, gave me joy and a good feeling inside. What the receiver felt was the next step. And how the receiver responded came much later. I ‘re-changed’ myself, if I can put it that way, to be the person who I respected and liked.”

What could be some of the reasons to bury our softer emotions?

1. As was explained by Amrita, one reason, amongst others, could be facing betrayal, rejection, injustice, heartbreak, failed promises or dreams unfulfilled – all of which could lead to anger, hurt, pain, loss of hope and trust resulting in building ways and means of self protection emotionally.

So as not to be vulnerable to future hurt or pain, one builds a veneer of a cold and impenetrable emotional wall, that tries to cut out disappointment and also stays off expressing softer emotions. These become habits with time.

2. Said thirty two year old Rakesh on being around negative people.

“Man I became emotionally crusted. Toxicity, snarls and snorts have an impact. Not a good one. Especially if it is buzzing for like eternity, from the people around and even from the news I listened to. And it got  transferred like a deep attack of flu. Made me a pretty nasty dude, emotionally unavailable, looking at situations with prejudice. Am I glad that I could get out of the situation!”

3. Our childhood experiences play a major role. Softer emotions like tenderness, love and warmth, along with appropriate values, is a great foundation for personalities to develop. The reverse can make a person unfamiliar with these emotions or not feel comfortable and safe with them. And not having experienced them, they may be unable to express them.

However none of this is written in stone. Despite unhappy childhood experiences, people can grow into compassionate and loving individuals, once they are aware of what else there is on the palette.

4. Fifty six year old Sabina had turned into a crotchety woman, constantly snapping. Not a word of praise or gratitude escaped her lips. Getting a smile was like squaring a circle. “I am terrified of asking for a day off,” whispered her employee. “She has no understanding of the troubles I am facing.” When confronted with this Sabina replied, “Who cares for my continual stress in my business? I’ve lost my teeth and greyed my hair dealing with this unbroken burnout. I’ve just become a heap of ash and even then am expected to be sensitive?”

One solution could be in her finding ways to handle the stress, so as not to feel a victim all the time. This would possibly create space for her to enjoy the happier emotions.

5. Facing severe trauma / physical or mental pain / acute and prolonged illness, may be overwhelming, putting people on constant guard and be in a survival mode; suppressing softer emotions so as to avoid pain and hurt. It could result in a defensive approach to life, where detachment becomes a shield.

6. “I was working in an extremely competitive and tension ridden environment, where my initial softness and empathy was interpreted as a weakness. I was not taken seriously, seen as incapable of taking tough decisions and also taken for granted. I gradually learnt to become hard and sharp in my responses. That became me,” recalled Minoo; who later unlearnt her learnt behaviour, once she realised that being firm when required did not necessarily mean becoming an unfeeling person.

In fact as a leader it could become counterproductive.

7. Sometimes simply trying terribly hard to achieve goals and getting obsessed with it makes us put our softer emotions on the back burner till we may suddenly realise that we have become metallic and robotic in how we live. This awareness is necessary to take the first steps to healing ourselves.

Nurturing softer emotions/feelings

We humans are a bundle of emotions. It is an interesting exercise to list out the ‘feeling’ words as different from the ‘thinking’ words – in effect become aware of how we are feeling and what are our thoughts. It can be confusing to differentiate between the two.

I feel deeply hurt (feeling). I’ve been betrayed (thought).

Along with all other feelings, we also have soft, comforting, squeezy-pillow like emotions that absorb and express kindness, gentleness and care. They often do not sit in the first row in the theatre of life. Sometimes we bypass them, overlook them, do not tend to them and they grow forlorn and lost, even to us, in our bid to live the demands of a busy, productive and ‘successful’ life.

How do we make them more robust?

Once again a story.

It was a cold and misty winter morning. The chill penetrated his bones and forty year old Pranav felt the icy claws clamp his heart. It hurt and warm tears welled up. He did not remember when he had last felt anything so deeply. He had recently lost his mother.

”Come and spend some time with me. I have kept a few of your childhood mementos which I need to show you. I will feel better if I can give them to you,” she had said. It was her last conversation with him. He never did find the time.

He was at his mother’s home, his home where he had grown up and was packing her belongings. The house was to be rented out. There was a box with Pranav written on it. In it were miscellaneous things – certificates, drawings, old photographs and letters. Letters that he had written to her from college. He had emailed them and she had taken print outs. Obviously for easy access and possibly for the feel of touching them. “Letters in hand give me a sense of holding the person. I just feel happier,” he remembered her saying.

Affectionately he addressed her as Mai in his letters. Even otherwise he would occasionally call her by this name and he could see her smile over the phone. Her voice smiled. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten this term of endearment. And she had never mentioned it.

Neither had his once close friends reminded him that he never had time for them. Nor his family members. They had all simply drifted away.

The ache suddenly struck him hard. The pain of isolation and the reality of the kind of person he had become – joyless, genuine smile-less, friendless. His relationships were all motive or output oriented, aggressive, with an agenda. He had forgotten what it felt like to actually experience ‘cuddly’ feelings.

So what did he do?

1. He set about doing himself a favour. Conscious and aware of what he had lost, he slowly realigned himself and started reconnecting with himself, his family and his genuine friends by reaching out to them. Some were skeptical of his sudden change in behaviour. It took time and patience but he continued without judgement.

2. He took time to remember all the small gestures of love and affection from family and friends that he had appreciated. This helped him do the small things that made family and friends feel loved and remembered.

He surprised them by ordering food that he knew they liked  and getting it delivered to their house. He organised get togethers, visited them whenever possible, tried to be there for them if they needed someone to listen to them in times of trouble. He acknowledged with gratitude those who had stood by him in his difficult times.

3. He started volunteering at an animal shelter, since he had always been an animal lover. He also took up social welfare causes and supported organisations that worked in these fields.

4. Singing and Painting, both of which he enjoyed, had become absent in his hectic schedule. Gradually he took up lessons to restart both these creative pursuits, bringing him both relief from his work pressure and joy in doing something he enjoyed.

5. At work and also in his personal life, he consciously moved away from those who revelled in doomsday prophesies and chose to be around uplifting and positive company.

6. Over time he once again became a more complete person. This did not mean that he became naive or gave up on his ambitions and goals. He simply led a more balanced life, being firm and competitive when he needed to be; but not at the cost of becoming harsh or oblivious to being empathetic, considerate, amiable, kind and gentle.

Tenderness and Kindness are not signs of Weakness and Despair, but Manifestations of Strength and Resolution….Kahlil Gibran

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