She found it difficult to understand her child. From the extroverted, ambitious, heart of the party person, her daughter, in her late thirties, had become quiet, an observer who seemed to have very few needs and no drive to achieve any goals. In her judgment her child was lost and drifting along.

“What happened?” she asked her daughter. The young woman calmly replied, “I slowly discovered that the life I was leading was not me. I don’t want all the paraphernalia. I am happy not chasing anything and leading a much simpler life.”

The mother struggled with this and resisted accepting it. She felt she needed to do something to right the wrong. She tried to convince herself that it was a passing phase. Only it was not.

She first had to put aside her perception of the child she knew. Next put away the hope that things would go back to what she believed was normal and was comfortable with.

Finally accept the reality that the child she had reared and known as an achiever had grown into her own person, different from what she had been used to.

A deeper acceptance without judging, would eventually help her find peace when she reconciled with the truth that the problem she was facing was her’s and not the daughter’s. Her daughter was on her own journey. She needed to work things out for herself. Here the mother had no role except to support her child and be there if she was needed.

Even in acceptance there are layers – at a cognitive level and at an emotional level.

Acceptance has a big canvas

There are different scenarios where we could show acceptance.

1. Self acceptance

  Here, for example, we don’t keep berating ourselves about not being good enough, or wishing that we could be the same as someone else. We learn to be comfortable with our strengths, drawbacks, areas for improvement, our own quirks and keep moving instead of getting stuck. It helps us be open to learning, growing, building bonds, reaching out and handling challenges.

2. Acceptance of other people

People are different and we may not agree with their views in many areas. We cannot accept half the person or only the areas that resonate with us. We need to see them as a whole and accept them in their entirety. And then we may choose to draw necessary boundaries in our interactions.

3. Accepting that things change

We as humans age, relationships change, people retire from work….
To continue leading a meaningful and productive life Acceptance of the experience is the first step.

4. Acceptance of loss by death

When we lose a dear one, we feel deep sadness, grief, a sense of loss and perhaps a feeling of being alone.
Grieving is important since it also helps us accept the loss. Acceptance is not the end of feeling sad. It helps us live our lives along with our emotions, where life and grief co-exist.

5. Acceptance of natural calamities and their impact

An unexpected natural calamity can lead to shock and despair depending on the damage it has caused.
Processing it and acceptance of its impact helps us in dealing with it as needed.

6. Acceptance of Problematic Situations

Unfair situations, relationship break ups, financial loss,  failures and mistakes, news of a serious illness… These are situations that could evoke different emotions like anger, sadness, worry, fear….
Once again we first need to accept the situation before we decide how to handle it.
Often taking help from a trusted and empathetic person one can talk to, shows us the way forward.

What does acceptance mean?

It is obviously easy to accept what we are comfortable with. The spotlight shines on the issue of Acceptance when things are not going as expected.

Acceptance is an internal conversation where we look at the reality of a situation we are in or a situation around us, which may not be as we want it to be; and say, “Ok this has happened. I am seeing the reality for what it is and not as I would want it to be.”

We see it, internalise it and its meaning and acknowledge its existence. We do not fight it. There is no living in denial. Sometimes there is hope that perhaps things will change in future but for the present accept what is.

But then…….

Do we just simply accept what is happening around us and believe that we have no agency to do anything about it, even if we are not ok with it?  Is that what acceptance is all about? No. But we will come to that a little later.

There are situations that need possible action after the initial acceptance.

And others that do not give us that window.

The Choice we all have

This is where it gets interesting. It is a little chat we have with ourselves.

Between the reality trigger and our response to it, is that little breath or pause we can take. This choice is available to us. This helps us step back, observe and then decide.

Viktor E.Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” carries very powerful messages for us. 

“Everything can be taken from a man, but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor E. Frankl, in the book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”.

Instead of passively giving up in the face of external situations beyond one’s control, acceptance has agency in it where a person retains the right to choose his or her response.

The focus is not on how to make the problem or suffering go away. While accepting the reality without denying or fighting it, the focus is on what can one do in the given situation.

Acceptance is not the end of the journey or a finality in itself. It is perhaps the beginning of the quest of how to make meaning of the situation once we have accepted it. It helps us in how we choose to lead a meaningful life.

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