I was 22 and I kept saying I wasn’t feeling ok. I couldn’t have explained exactly what it was, except that I worried a lot (anxiety was called worry in 2006). A friend told me she had visited ‘a famous doctor’ and found it helpful; Would I like to give it a shot?
And that’s how I found myself at a psychiatrist’s office.
Medical help identified OCD
The psychiatrist asked a few questions and all I could tell her was that I didn’t know what it was; but I wasn’t feeling ok. I worried and worried about everything; my head was a constant doomsday scenario full of ‘what ifs’.
But she clearly knew what it was; and within a few minutes she asked me to fill out a questionnaire. It was extensive. I ticked nearly every box.
‘Obsessive Compulsive Disorder'(OCD), she said. That’s why I was spending an hour everyday checking the stove at night, checking and rechecking the locks in my house.
I was sleeping at night everyday, worried that I would wake up to a call in the morning, telling me about the huge mistake I had made at work.
Take medicines, the doctor said. But I didn’t want to.
Why would I? My internal world was not the calmest, but I was so functional, social, doing OK at work. What if medicines had side effects or after a few years I could no longer function without them?
I didn’t know the difference between therapists and psychiatrists till then.
Moving towards Psychotherapy
And so it went on, until I reached a point where therapy started feeling like the only solution. By then the practice of talking to a Counsellor or Psychotherapist had become more mainstream and I knew of people who did it regularly.
Thus began my journey with psychotherapy. Over the next three years, twice a month, I sat and talked; about nothing and everything!
Whatever came up for me, all my worries, sometimes on repeat. We didn’t work on specific behaviours or thoughts; we didn’t do any specific interventions for the OCD either; but somewhere along the way, the compulsive actions became less frequent and the scary thoughts less intense.
After a few years in therapy, I decided to study some of the modalities, to see if I could go further with myself.
Understanding the benefits of Therapy
As I deep dived into it, while remaining in personal therapy, the intrusive thoughts became fewer and fewer. I could spend almost my entire day just being in the present, doing what needed to be done, without worrying.
The compulsive behaviours and obsessive thoughts almost feel like a thing of the past now. When something scary comes up, I can engage with myself, remind myself that most of this is my brain, catastrophizing ; and that nothing is the end of the world, except the actual end of the world; though it feels like that sometimes.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened over the years since we never worked on the OCD, specifically; but here’s what I think happened with psychotherapy.
When we work on core issues and learn to sit with and listen to our deepest fears and beliefs, a lot of the behaviours and how the thoughts affect our actions go away over time.
Being aware of our patterns and having some idea of what could be going on also gives us back some control, we are able to engage with ourselves, find ways to soothe in a way that works for us and connect ways with a deeper feeling of wellbeing.
Expressing our feelings is a big advantage in Psychotherapy
But more than anything, I have come to realise that a lot of the resolution lies in being able to express ourselves and therein lies the power of therapy.
As we keep voicing our feelings in a safe, emotionally supportive environment they start leaving us, a little at a time.
As little kids we know how to express ourselves. We cry if we are hurt, throw a tantrum if we are angry; and somewhere along the process of growing up we learn to curb all of it, instead of learning how to express ourselves in acceptable, non-harmful ways. And all our feelings stay stuck inside, showing up in different, more destructive ways. In my case, the OCD.
So if you’re not feeling alright, I urge you to try talking to someone, ideally a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Just the process of expressing and having someone, who not only listens but knows how to get you to go down that road and get in touch with what is really going on, will probably take you a long way.
Shruti Sabharwal is a mental health counsellor on the Counsellors & Psychotherapists panel at InfinumGrowth. Click here to know more about the service.
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