In my last article about Fear of Failure; I had written about the fear that comes in anticipation of things not working out. This fear can become a stranglehold in our lives, robbing us of exploring possibilities, and keeping us in a state of doubt, unable to move ahead.
Now let’s look at the other situation –
where we embark on a venture with a lot of hope and excitement; and are disappointed with the outcome. We feel defeated and deflated. The ominous cloud of ‘failure’ hangs over us. But it’s very important to understand, accept and act with the belief and confidence that this failure is not a dead end; we can move on from this experience and build a better future from the learning from it.
How do we practice moving on from failures? Here are some important steps we could take to do so.
1. Separating failure from Self
- I may have failed at something. That could be a particular project I was working on or a relationship I was in. But does that define me? It is important to separate the ‘failure’ and the person.
- To go a little deeper into this, in the event of something not working out, we could ask ourselves, “Is this the complete picture, the only truth?” Or, is there another side too? The little wins, what one has been good at, however small they may be? Focus on those too. Show compassion and kindness to oneself.
- “Yes I am disappointed/frustrated/sad that I did not get the outcome I wanted and I can try again. That does not mean that the whole of me is a failure.”
This self talk is important on multiple counts.
Instead of being in denial, this is one method of acceptance of the situation; acknowledging and naming the feelings associated with it; and having the preparedness of giving it another shot.
- Being conscious of the emotions non-judgementally, gives us insights. It helps us process them better and work on them; and gives us the resilience for dealing with challenges later. Over time we learn to accept our limitations, recognise our resources and areas of strength.
- Terms like disastrous, calamitous or catastrophic can be overwhelming when describing something that has not worked out. Using words like unfortunate, inconvenient, unfavourable helps one to not look at the situation as a dead end. It leaves some room for one’s own agency.
- When unable to accept a set back, we sometimes play a blame game or portray that we are the victim; or we avoid taking responsibility for our mistake by trying to justify our actions.
Anne, not being given a promotion at work that she was expecting, blamed her line manager for being biased and giving her an average review. Anne claimed that she was a victim of a conspiracy between the manager and the person who had been promoted. She was unwilling to reflect on her own actions or inactions, locating her own lacunae that needed improvement or identifying any area of change that was in her control.
Taking accountability for our actions would be the useful option to learn and grow.
2. Identifying the mistake
The other outcome of facing the ‘failure’ is trying to identify the ‘mistake’ or where one went wrong and could have done things better or differently.
Malti was working very hard on closing the deal for buying a commercial property. Though her offer was very competitive she ‘failed’ at clinching it. After mulling over the matter and speaking honestly and objectively with others present at the meeting, she realised that her manner of communication had been rude and arrogant, which put off the sellers.
They felt disrespected. Though she was aware that her communication skills needed improvement, she had never really allowed it to surface to the top of her priority list. The ‘failure’ gave her a jolt and made her take cognizance of the fact that it was a serious problem that needed immediate attention. It allowed her the space to stop, evaluate what happened and choose another approach so that the mistake would not be repeated.
3. Preparing for and managing Eventualities
When launching on a project be conscious and to that extent be prepared that the outcome may not be as desired. “If it works, well and good. If not, I will need to think of some other option or try again.” This approach mitigates the emotional hit in the eventuality of things not working out. It also helps, if we have a Plan B in place depending on what the project is. And if we can figure out a way of dealing with disappointments, it builds confidence to handle adversity in future too.
Sometimes we become very fixated on the outcome we desire. Anything else is mentally defined as a ‘failure’. Being a little more open and flexible can be useful and in the long run could even prove to be a good option.
Manabir wanted to become a doctor. He qualified for a course in Bio-Engineering. Heart-broken he felt his future was doomed. Till he met a person in that profession who was doing path breaking research and enjoying his work thoroughly. Manabir got a different perspective, learnt to accept the new option and ended up doing well in the line.
The all or nothing position of ‘either one is a success or a failure’ can be very pressurising. There is the space in between where ‘you might gain some and lose some’, something that is a common occurrence in life. It helps us breathe easy and stay relaxed.
4. Stop Seeking Validation or Meeting others’ Expectations
An interesting aspect of ‘failure’ is when we term ourselves a success only if we get validation from others. This is a double edged sword. It is true that a commercial venture, whether it be a movie, a restaurant, a performing artist, a writer……… needs the acceptance, accolades and validation from the consumer to become ‘a success’. However, being completely dependent on another’s approval for personal peace can make us very vulnerable and even a small set back may appear to be a complete disaster.
For example if my joy of writing was contingent on the number of ‘likes’ I received, my enthusiasm for writing would in all likelihood be completely diluted as I would unconsciously keep checking the ticks! We need to focus our energy not in meeting the hopes and expectations of others, but in reaching the goals and realistic targets we set for ourselves.
5. Take help when needed
A support network is important. Asking for help is not demeaning. Rather it is a sign that one wants to improve. When faced with disappointment it is comforting to share one’s feelings. It brings relief and an honest appraisal from those who know and care for us gives us insight and direction. It helps us gain and learn from the experience, aiding future progress instead of getting stuck with feeling bad and negative and imagining what could or should have been.
Help could be from friends or relatives you value; or from a support professional such as a Counsellor or a Coach.
6. Handling Stress
If the stress level or the disappointment level is uncomfortably high after facing a set-back it is often a good idea to take a break, doing things that we know bring us happiness or boost our self-esteem.
Handling stress has multiple methods like breathing techniques, physical exercise, spending time with comforting and happy company, pursuing an activity that is relaxing, keeping a readily available cheerful playlist of songs or energizing talks.
Hugging oneself and gently patting one’s upper arms, placing one’s hand on one’s heart and moving it in a gentle circular motion brings relief if the body is very tense. Psychologists suggest writing a letter to oneself saying what one is feeling, thanking those who one has by one’s side, listing out the steps that one can take that are doable to make oneself feel better.
Once we have recharged ourselves we can go back to taking on the challenge of the project and look at it afresh.
Again, professional help from a Counsellor or Psychotherapist can be very effective in getting appropriate mental health support.
7. Looking beyond ourselves, if the situation permits
Tejas had invested funds and dreams in building an institute offering courses in multiple disciplines. Building, equipment, trainers were all there.
Missing were the students he had hoped to attract. The market research had falsely predicted that there was a huge demand. Tejas waited, hoping for a turn around. It did not happen and he lost both financially and emotionally.
The future looked bleak.
Depleted of money, stamina and confidence, what could he do? The dream of earning megabucks was put aside and he focussed on the product he had hoped to sell – skill and knowledge.
He joined an NGO and put all his personal resources into working with them to reach a section of the society that would benefit from his input but could not afford expensive classes. He had shifted the focus of his dreams from personal wealth to enabling ‘employment ready’ individuals for whom this exposure was beyond their dreams. It was also fulfilling for Tejas though the earnings were much less.
8. Building a Relationship with Failure
And finally, at a more philosophical level try and build an understanding or a relationship with ‘failure’.
Think of the memories associated with it from way back and look at what it triggers. How did we deal with them? It helps move us from a ‘problem’ to a ‘solutions’ mindset.
We could try and hold hands with the possibility of ‘failure’. It is a possibility that will exist right through our lives. Each one of us has had some experience of it.
As has often been said, failure and success are not enemies; they are milestones in the same journey. Sometimes we reach a crossroad and need to decide which is the better route.
“Building capacity is not about eradicating failure but about responding to it in a manner that gives us the opportunity to think, learn, grow, progress and evolve”. Author Unknown
Sumita Banerjea has written a book Script Your Life Your Way, which is avaliable online at Amazon.

Check it out.
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Well written Sumita,
Being non-judgmental and separating the self from the result or outcome are very important to move ahead else one wallows in the morass of despair.
I tend to peg it on destiny. Kismat
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. “Morass of despair” is such an appropriate phrase
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. “Morass of despair” is such an appropriate phrase that you have used
Being non-judgmental and separating the self from the result or outcome are very important to move ahead else one wallows in the morass.