Fear of Failure : Managing and Overcoming it with logical action

Fear of Failure : Managing and Overcoming it with logical action

Sumita Banerjea

Educator, Counsellor & Author

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Have you ever got a red number on your report card in school?

If ‘yes’, do you remember how you felt?

If ‘no’, can you recall the feeling associated with the possibility of getting it?

Either way it probably got the heart pumping harder because of what it was associated with – the dreaded word ‘Failure’. Since childhood the scythe of failure looms on us as a warning that we have not “passed the test”; and the interwoven feelings, in all likelihood, are shame, embarrassment, hopelessness, self-judgment (“I am no good”), loss of face, and guilt of letting down the family.

 Insensitive comments from seniors, like “You are a failure”, “You have no future ahead of you”, remain with us as recorded messages. We are – unfortunately – very good at holding on to such comments that attack or label our very identity.The fear of failure becomes our driving force. Or, depending on our actual experiences, this fear can also paralyze us and keep us in a state of inaction.

What is failure? When the outcome hoped for, or expected, from an action does not happen, it is termed a failure.

Fear of failure?

There is an interesting acronym for the word “Fear” available on the internet.

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.

Fear of something logically means that it has not happened. We are scared that something unpleasant will happen and we will not get our desired outcome. So even in its absence, we make it a reality in our heads and suffer for it.

 Over thinking and getting into a negative thought loop is the result and much energy and time is invested in it instead of in what we would like to achieve.

Handling fear of failure

Here are a few actions and reactions we need to bring focus upon, in order to move beyond the fear of failure.

1. Past Memories

Often the fear of failure stems from memories of past experiences when we suffered set-backs in ventures/aspirations.

 Prabhav had set his heart on being a member of the state cricket team from where he hoped to move on to greater heights. He suffered an injury and that impacted his game. The dream did not materialize.

 He later became a yoga instructor of some repute but the fear of being disappointed became a hurdle in his growth. He was very reluctant to dream big – of setting up an institute, reaching out to organisations or building his clientele.

He even believed that he was jinxed. When he did realise that he was becoming his own obstacle he took help from professionals to understand where his fear stemmed from and got a different perspective on the matter.

The injury was an accident in the past. He needed to focus on the present; overcome his fear by improving and increasing the scope of his skill; not live with regret of having constricted himself.

 It was he who had trained himself, which was an indication of his mental strength and through his knowledge in yoga he was benefitting many people.

2. Unrealistic Expectations

 Another reason for fear of failure, is when we set unrealistically high expectations and then struggle with reaching the desired outcome. The secret is to set a SMART [Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-bound] goal.

After achieving this set the next target, moving step by step up the ladder, celebrating the small achievements along the way.

This helps build confidence and keeps us moving forward steadily.

Asmi was under tremendous pressure. Her siblings were all high achievers and it was expected that she would match them. “After all you have the same genes in you. You will continue to keep the family flag flying high,” were comments from family and known people.

She internalised this and made it a booming voice in her head, intensifying the expectation pressure.

How could she deal with this fear of not matching up?

People say what they wish. One cannot stop them. They do not face the pressure of their comments. We also know that public interest and memory is very short. It is up to us whether we receive their comments as demands on ourselves.

With time Asmi learnt to hear but not listen to these comments and go about doing what was possible for her, at her own pace, choosing what she was comfortable to take from the external voices.

There is the well-known story of the frog that climbed the mountain when others failed because it was deaf and could not hear the discouraging shouts.

3. Choosing Falling over failure

 ‘Choose Falling over Failure’ is an interesting short talk by Simon Sinek available on the net. He prefers the term ‘falling’ to ‘failure’ because failure could mean covering catastrophic to a minor hiccup.

Both could mean failure.

“The language matters because it changes our mindset,” he says, given this broad spectrum in the definition of ‘failure’.

He says, “Failure is something we want to avoid but falling is something that happens naturally….”

As a leader his point is, “So one of the ways we embrace falling is that when someone does fall, we don’t say, ’What have you done?’.

 We go, ‘Ok try again’ or ‘How can I help you fix it?’.

We are just a little more relaxed about it”.

With falling there is a feeling of agency of getting up, having another chance. We feel sad but not forlorn and lost.

4. Acknowledge and Accept

Acknowledging and accepting that one is being driven by fear is usually a relief and a realisation.

Dismissing it or denying it often gives it more power over us. The idea is to work inwards and see what it is that we are fearful of.

Fear of failure in terms of rejection, being judged negatively, not being able to see a project through……. are some of them. Once we can zero in on this, we can proactively work through it and understand that even if the fear were to come true what would be the implications.

Simran wanted to be a model but was terrified of being rejected. “What will happen even if you are?” her friend and well-wisher asked.

“I will feel sad and awful,” she replied.

“And how would you feel never ever even trying?” she was asked.

 “Probably regretting that I never gave myself a chance,” was her answer.

“So the choice is yours. Your fear wins or you try knowing that you may or may not be successful and carry on with your life.”

 Simran did try, took classes to train herself and today modelling is her career.

5. Deconstruct the fear

Read up on being fearful of failure. Knowledge is empowering. There is the story of the woman who was terrified of scorpions and decided to study and become an expert on the subject.

Speaking to people who have faced similar fears and overcome them tells us that we are not alone.

 Joining groups where people share their experiences, facing the fear and taking small steps to overcome it, checking its relevance in the current circumstances – are all ways to deal with this ‘fear thought’.

After all it is a thought and if we have planted it we can also uproot it or reframe it if it is hampering our progress.

We have examples of reworking our fear.

Thought – I will fail.

Emotion – Sadness and anxiety.

 Physical Reaction – Drained of energy.

Action – Avoidance and Inaction.

Change this to –

Thought – I will try even if I am scared of failing.

Emotion – Tense but excited and engaged.

Physical Reaction – Energised.

Action – Go ahead and make an attempt.

6. Shrinking and Expanding

Remember the movie ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ or the movie ‘Big’.

These analogies came to my mind not because of the storyline but because of the concept of shrinking and expanding. We are humans with the ability of thought. Ingrained in this is the capacity to constrict/limit or expand/broaden our horizons through our thoughts.

One of the offshoots of the fear of failure is over analyzing and over thinking. We agonize over doing something till we have everything assured, right till the last letter.

But can we really? Some doubt remains because of the fear of it not being a success and we stay stuck, unable to take the first step, shrunk bodily and mentally.

The way out is probably to plan reasonably (there is always some element of the unknown), start and go with the flow, handling issues that come up along the way. We need to breathe deep, free our mind and expand our life.

Fear of failure is helpful too

Having said this, it is also important to note that some fears of failure are helpful. The threat of failure can help us push our boundaries and give our best. It also helps in making us cautious (not obsessively so) and urges us to weigh pros and cons and not take unnecessary risks.

Dhruv was a good chef, loved cooking and delighting customers with his preparations and wanted to open his own outlet. There was a fear of it not being commercially viable and him losing his savings in the venture. He did a detailed market survey, took help to understand how long it would be before he would make a profit and then decided to postpone his project.

The fear had helped him not take a hasty decision. He continued to bring joy to people doing what he loved and opted for a steady income from a job instead of taking on the added burden of uncertain finances.

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new”. Albert Einstein

Like this article? Here are two books with short stories, published recently by author Sumita Banerjea, which might be of interest.
Chowringhee Charms – Timeless Tales from the East
Playhouse Parkstreet

Please do leave your comments at the bottom and do share with others if you like this article.

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4 comments on "Fear of Failure : Managing and Overcoming it with logical action"

  1. Smita Ray says:

    Relevant and thought provoking article. The acronyms are interesting. The life experiences mentioned add value to the points. The guide to change in perspective is well outlined.

    1. Sumita says:

      Thank you Smita for your encouraging response. Am happy you liked the article

  2. Kaushika Ray says:

    You have decoded our fear psychology so well that I wish I had read this article twenty years back when I needed it.

    1. Sumita says:

      Thank you for your feedback Kaushika. I hope the article can be of some help to those who need it.

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