Coping with awareness – Navigating life situations effectively

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If someone were to ask us, “How are you doing?”, a response like “I am just Coping” would be unusual. Unless that is exactly what we were attempting to do.

It would probably mean, “trying to deal with a situation”, “handling what life is throwing up” or “keeping afloat in troubled waters.”

One could be coping well, which would mean effectively managing the situation; or, one could be struggling to cope.

What are the situations we commonly need to cope with?

The list is long and how situations impact different people also varies greatly.

A small speed bump for one person, could appear insurmountable for another. But at some point each of us needs to activate our coping capacity for what we find difficult. It could be grief, loss, disappointment, tension, fear, guilt, acute stress or burnout, pain, disruption…….

Ankita was in a dreadful mood, snapping at the smallest of triggers.

The dog barked a little longer than usual and she yelled at him. The dal had a little less salt and she created a shindy. Her twelve year old daughter left her room untidy and that was enough for her to bring the roof down.

It was unlike her and family members were confused about her continuous outbursts. And then one evening she simply broke down and cried copiously.

“It is all too much. I just cannot take it. From five in the morning till eleven at night I am on call – breakfast decision call, dog food call, maid not coming call, meals for the day call;

“where is my text book?” call; “my shirt is not ironed” call; “need to get to office on time myself” call; work pressure and boss demands call, school parent call, getting homework done call, house is in a mess call……..It is all taken for granted!”

“I am taken for granted and it is my fault that I did not speak up earlier. The house work has to be shared otherwise it will not get done.”

She just could not cope with the pressure, had waited till breaking point and finally exploded.

This is an example to show that coping also has boundaries and it is a good idea to take stock of the situation at intervals and do what is needed to avoid a pile up.

Importance of Helpful Coping

1. Coping empowers us to deal with life’s stressors and build the capacity to withstand, handle challenges and bounce back.

2. It builds confidence in oneself, reduces the anxiety of being overwhelmed and helps give a sense of having a handle on the situation.

Ankita had reached the point of being overwhelmed. She had lost the handle on the situation and was drowning under pressure both physical and mental. She could not cope. Accepting that it was all too much for her, not feeling that she was a failure because she needed support and talking about her feelings started the process of recovery.

3. It develops flexible problem solving skills, thinking with clarity, adapting to the different situations, looking at one’s resources inside and outside oneself to deal with problems.

Vipul, a consistently good student, had been trying unsuccessfully to crack the entrance examination for a seat in a good MBA institute.

Frustration levels were high, self-esteem was at an all-time low, confidence was crumbling. In short it was a bad scene. He was unable to cope with the pressure of ‘failure’ and dashed hopes.

So how did he ‘cope’ with his disappointment?

By thinking out of the box. With help from well-wishers, he looked at his own resource of being a good student and realised that the pressure of the test was too much for him at that point in time.

He took time off and started tutoring other students preparing for the same exam. This helped him keep in touch, gave him a break from the exam pressure and he could look at the situation from another angle.

He curated this coping strategy to the specific problem. Gradually he regained his confidence and successfully cleared the test to follow his dreams.

4. Coping also helps us identify our emotions, behaviour patterns and also our helpful resources.

Healthy/Helpful and Unhealthy/Unhelpful Coping

There is no blanket method of dealing with issues to cope with them.Each situation demands a focused strategy suited to it and also comfortable to the person executing it.

Unhelpful Coping Methods

Some of these might appear to give temporary relief from disturbance and anxiety but give no long term solution. In fact the long term effects of some of these steps can cause further harm, physically and mentally.

Thought patterns, such as the ones shown below, tend to push us into unhelpful coping methods.

Denial (saying to oneself that there is actually no issue so nothing needs to be done)
Suppression where we cloak our feelings (I am fine when in reality we are far from it).
All or nothing thinking (either the entire situation needs to be handled and solved or nothing at all can be changed; there is no scope for dialogue for small changes)
Wishing away a situation ( not looking at the problem will make it disappear by itself, some kind of magical wand)
Distancing oneself or avoiding the issue or delaying taking action and so not dealing with the problem proactively
Rigidity (there is only one way of handling the matter and so no other options are even considered)
Aggression / Overworking which could lead to burnout (as it did in the case of Ankita)
There could be substance dependence, self blaming. The former could be a form of avoidance
Unregulated eating – either too much or too little may lead to eating disorders
Grudgingly taking a step without being invested in it
Slip into an unmindful coping method which may be totally unsuitable for the situation

Example: A couple is facing issues and find it tough to cope with their situation. One partner (X) is obsessed with the spouse (Y). X’s personal happiness is totally dependent on Y. If Y is around X feels complete. If not, X is totally broken and behaves irrationally. X keeps begging Y for the emotional propping up and Y feels obligated to be around but resents it.

This becomes a method of coping to buy peace.

There is no personal agency on the part of X to become self-reliant in any way. Y on the other hand feels emotionally manipulated and suffocated. The issues causing the problem are neglected.

Obviously this is unhealthy coping.

Helpful Coping Methods

1. Finding our personal areas of strength and resources. Also being aware of the chinks in our armour or our own weaknesses, helps.

2. It is important to figure out what exactly one is trying to cope with.

The unhelpful coping method is often to brush the real issues under the carpet.Figuring out means understanding and focusing one’s attention on the core problem; studying it, anticipating what further issues can come up related to it, planning a course of action and executing the plan.

It requires both psychological preparation and strategizing, to address and solve the problem; deflect it or minimise it and if required, change one’s behaviour too. You could even decide that being patient and exercising restraint for the time being could be the right option.

Example: A person developed misgivings about attending office and found excuses to take off from work. This created problems and tension built up.

Finally, with the help of an older, trustworthy colleague he focussed on what was causing the hesitation to go to work. After some conversations he realised he got subtly bullied by the coworkers and that created resentment in him.

Having understood the basic problem he got clarity about how to progress. It gave him a perspective and a direction.

Standing up for himself, assertive communication (not aggressive) where he learnt to be firm and draw boundaries, reach out to seniors who could help, were some of the strategies he used. It took time to change his behaviour but gradually he became a more confident individual.

3. Other than the problem solving approach another strategy is emotion focussed coping.

Here the spotlight is on how to handle our emotional response to the problem. Sometimes the problem appears to be beyond our scope to manage and we can cope with it by regulating our emotional response to it.

There are various ways of going about this:

Reframing the thoughts to get a more helpful approach and calm oneself. Instead of saying, “This is impossible. I will never get through this,” one can say, “This is difficult. I need to do what is possible first and then take the next step.” This method helps in not allowing the problem to become larger than us, looming like a nuclear cloud in our minds.
Accepting the situation instead of fighting it, helps in doing something constructive to deal with it.

Engaging in stress management techniques, mindfulness techniques and meditation, breath work to soothe oneself.

Emotional release by reaching out and building deeper connections (and being honest) with those we can rely on and trust for good advice, brainstorm solutions or even a non-judgemental listening.

Writing our thoughts and feelings about the situation or situations in a journal to help us understand and process our emotions and also identify patterns in the problems or/and in our response and behaviour.

Journalling names of things/people we are grateful and thankful for and this makes us realise that the picture is not all grim.

Helping someone else is also a method of comfort for ourselves because it gives us a sense of meaning and faith in our ability.

4. Look after one’s health.

Being in a physically good condition helps the mind function better. This includes good sleep (recommended is eight hours), exercise and eating mindfully. Also doing things that keep one uplifted is useful.

5. Coping could also mean letting go, especially of difficult emotions that cause trouble for us.

This could be done by consciously doing self-talk to release a negative feeling, focusing on what is within our ability to do. Forgiving ourselves and the other person helps heal in situations of a relationship breakdown; allows new experiences and possibilities into our lives.

Often people have a huge problem with letting go. Instead of hoarding toxic feelings and relationships, one could press the delete button in a graded manner.

Get rid of one junk item each day. Then gradually move on to discarding things one has not used in years; clear junk mail and messages from the phone; try and replace negative thoughts with those that bring some hope and move away from people who bring in gloom. Decluttering the physical and mental space, slowly but steadily, brings rich benefits.

6. Spending time outdoors in Nature. This has been seen to help with reducing anxiety and stress.

7. Faith or belief. This could be in a greater power, in people who stand with us, in our own internal life force, in our own abilities.

8. In some situations humour too is a useful method of coping.

“Some people meditate to cope. I just close my eyes and pretend I’m invisible.” Author unknown.

“I find yelling into a pillow works well. Plus the pillow never judges me.” Author Unknown

”I keep telling myself I’m a masterpiece in progress, but some days I’m just finger paint.” Author Unknown

9. Step forward to take professional help from a Counsellor/Psychotherapist.

This could help clear your thoughts and enable you to follow the above steps effectively.

Difficult situations will come up. Some will be tougher to handle than others. The common denominator is how we respond to them for our own mental and physical health. To cope well we need to marry our emotional and cognitive problem solving strategies to maintain an equilibrium in our lives. And we need to do this with conviction and belief.

“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Vivian Greene. And as someone added, “and possibly slipping on a puddle and getting up again to carry on dancing.”