In my last article – What is Acceptance? How does it work? I had shared about how to understand Acceptance and the different situations where we may need to do so.

In this article, I am going deeper into developing focus on practicing acceptance and avoiding diversion of the mind.

Practicing Acceptance – Consciously asking appropriate questions

Acceptance often needs to be learnt with practice and by asking relevant questions.

What happened and what is the reality? What are the facts?

• Do not confuse it with interpretations and opinions about why it happened, whether or not it is justified, what would have been ideal etc.

• Word your feelings about it. It could be sadness, worry, disappointment, irritation. Allow the feelings but try to not take hasty decisions based on an emotional upsurge.

• It is a useful habit to demarcate what is in our control and what is not. This helps us get clarity about the path to follow. For example the vagaries of weather and natural disturbances, other people’s choices, health changes etc. are not in our control. We also know what is in our own jurisdiction – our response, our effort, our behaviour, our decisions. Focussing on what we can do gives us more agency.

• Life teaches us. It is with situational experience that we learn to handle situations better in future and accept them.

• Understanding that life is not always ideal or fair and often deals us surprises, helps with acceptance when situations come up. We are all work in progress.

• When situations occur people seek out close and trusted persons to discuss the matter. This gives release to anxiety and also helps get another view on the matter. Some also get into quiet reflection to process the situation and then accept it.

• Not everything that happens in life has answers to them. We learn to accept living with uncertainty and ambiguity.

A personal practice could be to cross check with our own self, if, during that day or over the past week, we resisted accepting something that perhaps caused us distress. How could it have been handled differently for future reference?

By trying small things to learn practicing acceptance, we could develop our ability to tolerate, understand, accept and not lose ourselves in impatience. We could try with situations such as – accepting a delayed response to a mail, waiting in a traffic jam without getting worked up, waiting in a queue for the lift in a public building, mistakes made by us or a co-worker at work, loud conversations at a get-together that might be jarring……

How does practicing acceptance help us?

1. It allows us to see things objectively

Example – We feel cheated by a friend.

At a cognitive level we accept the situation, assess it and see it for what it is. We realize we have been cheated; we let the truth sink in, accept that it has happened. It helps give us an objective view.

State your feeling of hurt, shock, anger but do not act when emotionally charged.

If it makes us angry and we do something hastily, we may later regret it. The choice could be to allow the emotion to settle. And then decide what we can do.

It allows us a clearer vision, uncluttered with emotional surges, and gives us room to think. Is the matter worth a deeper look or do we let it go?

2. Can we do something about the situation at that moment?

We weigh our options clinically with a calm mind; and, if the answer is a ‘no’, then we accept what is for then.

Not resisting the acceptance of reality saves energy, gives us breathing space, lowers anxiety, allows us the freedom to work through options and explore what we can do or need to do.

Often this calmer space helps us come up with creative insights which might otherwise be lost in tension, hurt, anger or frustration by resisting acceptance of reality.

3. Practicing Acceptance can make us feel in control

• Practicing Acceptance strangely makes us feel more in charge, instead of being entangled in stress, worry and irritation.

• It often gives us inner freedom.

• It is something we have chosen to do, so it gives us more agency.

• It brings in a kind of peace that gives us the ability to think and plan clearly and calmly with a different perspective.

• With energy not being spent in resisting and inner conflict, there is more stamina to focus on productive work.

What acceptance does not mean

Accepting a situation is not the same as saying I am ok with it or that I give my stamp of agreement of ‘go- ahead’ on it.

• If there is any form of abuse or injustice that we perceive, we accept that the situation exists. But we do not have to passively accept the continuation of it. We need to protect our well being.

• If we do not get the expected promotion at work, we need to accept it. But it does not mean that we get crestfallen and say, “No point in putting in any effort. It will never get recognised.” It is in our power to continue working to the best of our ability.

• If we feel that the working environment is toxic, we first accept the reality of the situation, understand that it is not sustainable for our overall well being and then look for another job. To mobilise ourselves into making this happen, we need to be clear headed and not tied up in anger or frustration resulting from our inability to accept the reality of the situation.

• Acceptance of a break up does not mean that we put up our hands, give up and say, for example, ‘I’m done. Everyone is the same. Better not to get into any relationships.’ That is a reactive response. Ideally give it some time, see what went wrong and keep our choices open about what we can do in future. Acceptance requires us to acknowledge that things have changed.

So we internally accept that the reality exists and then do what is needed as a responsible person for our own welfare; and in some situations, for the greater good too, if we feel strongly about an issue. It will mean taking accountability for it and handling the consequences if any.

On the other hand, imagine there is a downpour, roads get flooded and we cannot leave the house. We accept nature’s reality and the resultant situation without fighting it. Would we have preferred it if we could move freely? Of course.

But since that is not possible, perhaps we could use the time at home to do something else.

During Covid 19, for example, we needed to accept the reality of the situation and then do what was needed to look after ourselves. There was no window to resist or not accept the reality and the gravity of the situation.

Reasons why we avoid acceptance

Expectations and reality have a face off. It creates stress and conflict inside us and makes us feel helpless too. As if all our survival tools have been snatched away.

Acceptance is uncomfortable and might make us fearful of handling reality and change.

– It shatters illusions that we often take comfort in.

– It compels us to see our own vulnerability, weaknesses and live in uncertainty.

– It makes us feel that we have lost all control.

– It makes us take accountability for what we may have done.

So what do we often do to avoid acceptance?

We take refuge in moving the focus elsewhere. Get into:

– Denial (Actually this has not happened. There is some misinformation).

– Imagination (This is an aberration. Things will get sorted out soon in the natural course)

– Blame (This should not have happened. Mr X is responsible).

Resistance often exhausts us. It takes away the agency to take positive, sensible action where possible because our energy is spent negatively in inner conflict, anger, bitterness, feeling victimised, being anxious and feeling helpless.

As a friend wisely said, “Acceptance happens inside you. And then you choose to do or not do something about it, externally”.

The resistance to acceptance often becomes the obstacle in our path forward. We come in our own way of moving ahead.

Practicing Acceptance is aligning ourself with what is, so that we can participate in and negotiate life better.

We also accept that life itself is uncertain and we live in and with that uncertainty, doing what we need to.

We could say acceptance is surrendering to ‘what is’ but not surrendering personal agency to act, if need be.

Some positive ways to learn Practicing Acceptance

Practising gratitude is powerful. We have all heard this. It is also linked to acceptance. It helps us see life through a wider lens by noticing the good we have in our life instead of seeing only the suffering and pain. Practicing Acceptance then becomes easier.

Shiela fell ill and needed hospitalisation. She received treatment from a good doctor who helped her recover. Instead of focusing on her illness she spoke about the care she had received and was grateful for. It helped her with accepting illness and the suffering as a part of life.


Some of us are consumed with expecting the ideal outcome and perfection from ourselves, others and life in general. Acceptance of anything less becomes very difficult.
We often get imprisoned in our own thoughts of judging, criticising, blaming, anxiety and hopelessness. This has its own repercussions on ourselves and our relationships.

If we flip our thoughts, instead, to one of of progress and movement (since we are all work in progress), instead of being perfect, acceptance is more possible.

It is acceptance of the present that gives us the space to ask ‘What next’? Mindfulness practice, for example, is where we are present in and paying attention to the moment we are experiencing without judgement.

A powerful thought that is explored in The Book of Joy, by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu with Douglas Abrams is that “when we accept the present, we can forgive and release the desire for a different past.” The chapter heading on Acceptance calls it The Only Place Where Change Can Begin.


To summarise, acceptance is like a muscle we develop through continuous practice. It helps us respond and act from a place of clarity instead of resistance.

Practicing Acceptance starts with accepting ourself, gradually grows to accepting others and what life serves us, and, at a philosophical level, prepares us to accept the enigma of life itself.

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