A comment by a friend in his late fifties struck a chord. “We cannot plan our entrance and exit from life but I would like to stay relevant and productive to the best of my ability till I breathe.”

He then added on a meditative note, “Also, the truth for most of us is that in our sunset years, we will be forgotten. Our stories will fade away. On my end I would like to be forgotten gracefully.”

A laudable view about Being Forgotten Gracefully!

So, what is being Forgotten ‘Ungracefully’?

Basically, trying to be remembered forcefully. Clinging on with desperation, trying to stay relevant with dogged aggression; or doing things that make people remember us with dislike and misgivings; if and when they do.

Hmmm… Interesting!

Does learning to be forgotten gracefully hint at – “I am sad that I am no longer ‘important’ and so will go to the garden and make myself invisible”?

Or feel unhappy that people will not remember us when we are gone?

No !!

I would like to interpret this emotion as preparing ourselves at two levels, for the two exits explained below.

Being Forgotten Gracefully – Preparing for the Exits

First Exit – after the person leaves the all-important ‘kursi’ or chair, whatever its nature, see it as a release from the bondage of wanting, needing, desiring, being judged, being under scrutiny and delivering incessantly.

 It is freedom from fear of losing the race; freedom from the trap of a sense of pride, hijacked often by a designation.

It is more like “Without the glare of the spotlight or living up to expectations, I am now free to be detached from external validation and do (or not do) my thing. Grow the way I want to or simply be.”

Endings compel New Beginnings

Choosing to be forgotten gracefully is to take the call oneself, to move away or accept the retirement date; instead of circumstances compelling us to. Remember the song, ……. ‘And the first time that we said hello, began our last goodbye…’(Roger Whittaker)

Transitioning gracefully is also about not being lured back to check on things; and seeing if our imprint is still visible.

As a person, who had filled in the chair left by someone, remarked about the predecessor repeatedly connecting back –  “The constant checking and interfering is exasperating and galling to say the least. We will seek advice if we need it. Now the man is shrinking the respect he had earned.”

Memories fade as people move on

Second Exit – the acceptance that memories fade and people get on with their lives once a person dies. How often do we remember those who have gone from our lives? When I asked around, most said “occasionally” and some said “fairly often in the case of very few persons.” 

Why should the story be any different for us when we depart?

”Arre yaar,” remarked a friend in half jest, half seriousness. “There is far too much to do and live right now. Usi se Fursat nahi milti (no relief from that). Why even bother about who remembers us when we close our eyes?!!“

“It is not our concern. From dust we come and to dust we return. As dust where is the scope to lament our erasure.“

“I tell my children to organise a memorial for me while I am alive and kicking so that I can feel happy listening to good things being said about me. Call it a ‘living memorial’!”

Many will say, ‘all this is only ‘gyan’ (wisdom) and good to read or listen to in discourses. It is extremely painful and difficult to execute.

Yes, it is not easy. But it is possible to accept being forgotten gracefully, if we train ourselves. For our own peace.

It is a quieter reflection. Not about applauds, achieving maximum potential, climbing the next step on the ladder.

Quite the reverse. It is letting go, making way for others, moving away from the spotlight, rewriting the script – without anger, bitterness or regret.

It is accepting transitions and getting the ring side view of life.

Why are we fearful of being on the fringes?

Here are a few reasons:

• I will not count for anything and become irrelevant.

• I feel my sense of self and self-worth is threatened.

• There will be nothing to look forward to.

• I will be forgotten.

• People will pity me or simply tolerate me since I will have nothing to offer.

• I will be lost without my anchor. There is comfort in the familiar.

What happens if we look at fringes as banishment?

Of the various things it may do, some of them are:

• Makes us crave for what we consider lost glory.

• Limits us from exploring new arenas and rediscovering ourselves.

• Makes us envious and resentful about being ‘walked over’.

• Makes us feel irrelevant since we are stuck only in one bygone scenario.

• We suffer from loss of self-esteem since we associate our identity with the position we had occupied and now ‘lost’.

• In certain cases, it removes us from living the present life in a meaningful manner.

How do we live on the fringes gracefully?

Imagine watching a football game in a stadium. Standing in the centre of the field gives us one view. Watching from the edge of the field gives a different perspective. It gives a wider picture, showing the moves of all the players with more clarity.

If we were a coach or a mentor, we would prefer to get this vantage view, to understand patterns which could be missed when in the thick and heat of the game.

From the fringes our contribution is of a different nature, if we choose to engage. Our influence could be more subtle.

We could of course also simply enjoy the game without pressure or strategizing or being accountable. We could celebrate the achievements of others who are playing the tough match.

The privilege of making a choice is ours

If at some point we miss being in the spotlight and calling the shots, we could actually say it out loud. “I miss being centre stage and not taking the decisions.” Spelling it out could help mitigate the sharp jab inside.

Alongside, acknowledge and verbalise the contributions that we have made, without minimalizing or exaggerating them. It helps give a sense of fulfilment. The spotlight now shines inside us.

Separate our sense of self and identity from the position we held or the cheers we received. The skills that contributed to the position are not lost and could find use elsewhere. They can never be taken away from us. Also cultivate other skills and use these on a regular basis.

Consciously explore and devote time to other areas that were neglected or taken for granted earlier due to lack of time. It is often surprising what comes up. Many a time connections are built or re-nourished that are deeper and more genuine.

The fringe could become the centre of a new phase of life. Of our growth. Of helping others grow. There are more than one centre in our lives.

Many of us will remember how the experience of Covid-19 made us change our outlook. At that point it was a search for survival. But the end result was that many new avenues and methods of working emerged and some are continuing. 

Look at our new life as one we have chosen, instead of an imposition.

Being Forgotten Gracefully – Recentering and aligning with the present

The life of Kalpeet, the once wildly famous singer, was changing. From a time when he kept his phone on silent mode to safeguard his own peace, he gradually found his phone being silent. The calls were few and far between.

Fresh young voices pulled the crowds. He was invited more for judging events and giving his expert comments. From the fringes.

His family members were busy with their own lives. The trophies adorning the walls and cupboards, that he had barely looked at earlier, suddenly seemed all important. They were tangible evidence of his success, now looking like ‘past success’. They validated him.

Would he simply fade away, he thought to himself. Obsolete, like the music on CDs that hardly anyone listened to anymore? It was a depressing thought that dragged him down. How long would past accolades feed his crashing sense of self-worth?

Moving on to a new phase

It went on like this for a long while till he discovered the magic of teaching his singing. He still had it in him!

With free time on hand, he would now visit the park every morning and evening for a walk. A few co-walkers who recognised him, hesitantly asked him to sing, when they sat together for a rest and tea, brought by one of the walkers.

Gradually he was joined in his singing by the group, raising the spirit of all the participants, permeating even to the trees and bushes that seemed to sing along. The world looked so different. Each day brought fresh joy as new songs were taught, learnt and sung together.

One day Kalpeet felt under the weather and could not inform his new friends that he would not be able to join them. A couple of days later he had a whole string of visitors, his new friends, who rang his bell to enquire after him. They had missed him.

Kalpeet was not under the bright stage lights performing to a cheering audience. He was in the midst of joyous co-singers, making music together, discovering a whole new dimension to life.

Just as important as our entrance, growth and hunger to excel in whatever we choose to do, is to find the strength, dignity and wisdom to walk away and accept being forgotten gracefully – to transition into the next phase with new meanings.

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