Sometimes a passing comment strikes a chord. As did this one by a young man in his thirties; which took the mind towards human relationships.

“I learnt how to use the needle and thread and mended the hole in my sweater. Somehow, after that I feel a deeper connection with it. Each time I wear it, I notice the rough mending and it feels much more mine. I saved it from being discarded because getting it mended professionally costs a bomb where I stay. I would never trade it for a new sweater.”

His words took me back several years. True, we as children were taught what was considered basic life skills like mending, darning, simple cooking (for those interested, in the slightly senior classes) and embroidery with particular emphasis on very neat output. Gardening and carpentry were options for clubs after school.

I have been told that a box with different sized needles, threads of different colours and an assortment of buttons along with a small scissor that was integral to every household is no longer so.

It is easier to throw or give away the item that has a button missing or is slightly torn and buy a new one. In this context the young man’s comment was even more striking.

He had discovered the simple joy of the ability to mend, with patience.

What did this ability to mend give the young man? How did it change the value of the sweater?

For one it gave him a sense of agency – to fix something and make it usable again. Give it a longer productive life.

The act of mending, in a subtle way, increased his confidence in himself. The ability to take care of himself, of his little needs, especially when he had to be mindful of finances.

It also made the item more meaningful to him because a bit of him was invested in it. It acquired a different narrative now and a story that became a part of his autobiographical memory. It was earlier just another sweater. Now it was the sweater that he had mended and stood apart in the pile in his wardrobe.

He was now more invested in it and its slightly scarred look said that a hand, his fingers in this case, had cared enough and loved it enough to save it and give it another life.

The sweater, with its imperfect look was not flawed but there was now a relational value to it.

At a philosophical level it made him feel more aligned with sustainability and being more responsible about earth’s resources.

He also experienced the pleasure of loving and valuing something; and not wanting to lose it. A feeling, which perhaps could eventually affect the way he would value other connections, including human relationships. 

The relationship that grows with items or projects that we invest ourselves in

Look around you and you will find innumerable things in which a bit of you is tucked away.

And for this reason, there is a deeper sense of attachment. It is not the monetary value that makes them special.

A memory associated with it, that makes it more yours.

Between humans, however, this is a two-way process and thus a lot deeper, in terms of feelings and attachments.

How does this look like in Human Relationships?

In human relationships, this is like a companion with whom you have shared time, effort, frustrations, exasperation, tears, smiles, small victories or failures.

Something you made, altered, achieved, repaired, created… they are records of chapters in your life which only the two of you share and are co- passengers in.

You must have heard elderly people say, “We’ve known each other for decades and our understanding has deepened. We have faced the rock and roll and survived. Our friendship has matured richly in barrels of oak. We have our stories to tell.”

There is a difference when someone says, “Our relationship has been a smooth ride all through. We never really faced any differences” to “We have gone through rough times when we hardly spoke but we learnt how to work through our issues and deal with them together because we cared.”

The second sentence immediately reflects a shared closeness, intimacy and deep affection. Both cared enough to work on the friendship and save it from getting lost into oblivion much like the torn sweater.

Human relationships are complex

Each one is unique and has it’s own weft and warp in the weave. Also the cause and impact of the strain in the relationship will play out differently in each case, the individuals are made differently and the handling of it will thus differ.

Each one is unique and has it’s own weft and warp in the weave. Also the cause and impact of the strain in the relationship will play out differently in each case, the individuals are made differently and the handling of it will thus differ.

There is no quick fix solution or any one method. Sometimes we need to work on different fronts to be authentic and sincere in our effort to mend.

And most importantly it has to be consistent.

Like all things, human relationships also need maintenance! We don’t need to wait for an emergency to strike to wake up and take action.

We can only do what we can and what is in our reach and control. How our action is received is not up to us.

Of course, we start on the premise that all parties in the relationship want to put in an honest and sustained effort into repairing or making the relationship stronger and better.

Patience, keeping one’s cool, deciding on mutually agreed boundaries, genuine care for the other person, trying to see and understand the other person’s point of view are inputs required for it to work.

Many reasons could hinder the process such as  – expecting instant results; not taking accountability for one’s own actions; and instead, pointing the finger at the partner; taking the partner for granted and not trying to genuinely see where the partner is coming from; go back on the promise of the agreed course of action to follow; lack of consistency, concealing facts, being unclear about what was bothering the person, lack of a clear action path……..

So how do we do it?

Depending on the situation or the problem,

• we could try apologising meaningfully without any strings attached, or a ‘but’ hidden somewhere.

      “I have been thoughtless and harsh and have pained you.

       I am sorry.”

• We could try listening, really listening to the other person, and looking deeper into what is unsaid if we can be sensitive enough.

• The other person needs to feel heard and acknowledged. “I’m hearing you and trying to understand where you are coming from. I know this is important to you. If I were in your place, I would also feel belittled.”

• There is the behavioural aspect in human relationships. Simply a verbal assurance of changing is obviously not enough if some behaviour is the cause of the problem. It must be translated into action. The promise of change must be seen in how the person conducts himself or herself and there has to be consistency to build trust.

• One issue that often causes a rift is if a partner plays games and is secretive. This makes the other person insecure and confused leading to suspicions. The nervous system is on high alert and policing becomes the default action.

• Being more open, straightforward and transparent could help in such situations to make the partner comfortable.

• This is not to say that individuals in a relationship have to forgo all privacy. Each one of us needs a private space but there needs to be honesty where the other person is involved.

• Sitting together and discussing the issue in a calm manner, respectfully, giving each other space and time to talk. It could be a difficult conversation and sometimes one person is good with words while the other is not.

The one who is not, needs encouragement and time to speak. If the person feels threatened by an angry loud voice that is full of blame, it is difficult to have any positive, useful outcome. 

If a safe environment can be created then relevant questions can be put on the table – what changed, what were the issues that were avoided from being discussed and why, what was each person feeling internally which was not expressed, what needs to be changed and how……..

• There is also the option of going to a counsellor for professional advice and for providing the safe non-judgemental space to talk.

• Rebuilding the connection is important in human relationships. It can even be done through little rituals.

A couple that had stopped chatting decided to meet up for elevenses over coffee, thrice a week in a cafe, put away their cell phones and simply catch up on each other’s lives.

Another couple decided on never going to bed angry with each other. Even if the day had been tough, they would give each other a genuine hug before sleeping.

A couple that enjoyed entertaining friends had stopped this practice. They decided to restart it, calling small groups, planning the menu together, choosing the music and though it required work it was happy work for them.

Does repairing always yield happy endings?

This is where we need to take a step back and look at the scenario a little objectively. Especially regarding human relationships.

This is not an inanimate object that we are pouring our heart and time into. Two or more persons are involved and they need to be on common ground. The dynamics and our expectations are different and therefore so is the outcome.

In many situations working through differences together creates a deeper understanding and lasting love and affection. Both could be okay with and accepting of differences and that could also work well.

However if there is a regular repetition of pain and hurt and repair and it becomes cyclical then it needs looking into.

Visualise a situation where you need to work continuously to make ‘a go’ of a relationship, mending it, overlooking things that hurt you.

It could be because of social pressures, your own challenges where options are limited or any other compulsion. The effort is tiring both physically and mentally, resentment builds up, your internal resources are exhausted. Quite obviously this effort at mending is one way and there is a depletion of affection.

It could be a situation where both persons try working at the relationship but the investment does not show any discernible improvement. Then the effort seems wasted and a call has to be taken.

If the relationship is not valued enough by both parties in the first place, the input invested to salvage it raises questions.

A red flag to look out for is holding on to and trying very hard to mend a relationship only because, “I’ve invested so much of my life into this that now I cannot imagine accepting failure.”

Of course there are real situations where, of the options available, holding on is the most suitable. But this clarity is needed. One chooses to carry on instead of letting go.

There are multiple words that come to mind. Reconcile, restore, heal, mend, repair….. they don’t all mean exactly the same thing but are somewhat close. With healing one could say, “The pain no longer hurts me”.  And if one comes to a reconciliation one could say, “We went through a rough patch. For us together this is a new beginning in our relationship”. They can also happen simultaneously.

The outcome at the end of the ‘mending’ process could be

(a) accepting that the relationship cannot be mended.

(b) It could be a fresh start or

(c) it could be continuing with the knowledge that not all things need to be fixed; and that is totally acceptable in the bigger picture.

In all these scenarios, there is a deeper insight into the human relationship and perhaps into oneself too.

Sumita Banerjea is an author of many books.

Here’s her latest one available on Amazon Bro We’ve Got a Case

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